An Open Response to Tiffany, Finstad, et al, On Behalf of Ambassador Hillman

Subject: A Friendly Canadian Response to Your Smoke Complaint

Dear Representatives Tiffany, Grothman, Fischbach, Finstad, Stauber, and Majority Whip Emmer,

Thank you for your recent letter — a truly remarkable example of an insulting, clueless, and entirely unhelpful diplomatic missive. My compliments to your scribe and to your penmanship in signing it so … accurately.

Canada has a long tradition of answering the call when your states — and the United States in general — face disaster. Our firefighters, water bombers, and emergency crews have crossed the border time and again to help contain your blazes, protect your homes, and save your communities. We’ve never once sent a letter demanding you stop the wind from blowing in a particular direction. While we appreciate the confidence you show in us, we are not, in fact, capable of controlling wind direction as our space lasers are currently in the shop.

So you’ll forgive us if we don’t appreciate your flippant complaint about “suffocating Canadian wildfire smoke” while tens of thousands of our people — over 40,000 Canadians so far this season — have been forced from their homes. Entire towns have been lost, forests that sustain entire ways of life have been turned to ash, and real families are grieving loved ones. We are not a downstairs neighbour burning incense, we’re a country dealing with an escalating climate crisis. Many crises actually.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, climate change does not stop at your border. Even if your caucus has chosen to pretend it’s not real, its effects will continue to worsen — and your highly forested states might wish to bear that in mind as your own summers grow hotter, drier, and smokier.

Your “question” about how Canada plans to “mitigate” your mild outdoor inconvenience is contemptible. Rest assured, we are sending our deepest thoughts and prayers to your moderately annoyed constituents — and we’ll be performing a selection of traditional wind-direction changing dances daily. We expect favorable results by mid-autumn.

In the meantime, if you’d like immediate relief, might we suggest a few practical measures:

• Gigantic fans placed strategically along the border to blow the smoke back.

• Massive domes covering your states, for a fresh, HEPA filtered microclimate.

• Very, very tall walls — we hear those are popular in some circles.

• Our firefighters often wear self contained breathing apparatus which seems to help. Perhaps you could get a Kardashian to design a fashionable line of them and your constituents will flock to wear them?

• I could suggest masks… but we saw how well that turned out for you last time.

Ignorance may be fashionable in your chamber these days, but here in Canada we have no use for it. We have brave men and women working on the issue day and night without rest. You just stand on the sidelines and critique the results if you think that will help but don’t pretend your letter had any actual merit or purpose other than testament to your ignorance.

Warmest Canadian regards,

Wayne (On behalf of Ambassador Hillman)

PS. Perhaps next time you could just text the ambassador a quick message like “How can we help?”